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Various E-mails I thought were worth keeping.
We all get "junk" e-mails. Some of them are actually good enough to keep around for whatever reason. I'm going to post up some that I find interesting, funny, pure stupid or maybe some I even agree with 100%.
Hope you find them interesting too.
Last edited by David Buschur; 01-27-2009 at 10:51 AM.
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A message from the boss.
To All My Valued Employees,
There have been some rumblings around the office about the future of this company, and more specifically, your job. As you know, the economy has changed for the worse and presents many challenges. However, the good news is this: The economy doesn't pose a threat to your job. What does threaten your job however, is the changing political landscape in this country.
However, let me tell you some little tidbits of fact which might help you decide what is in your best interests.
First, while it is easy to spew rhetoric that casts employers against employees, you have to understand that for every business owner there is a Back Story. This back story is often neglected and overshadowed by what you see and hear. Sure, you see me park my Mercedes outside. You've seen my big home at last years Christmas party. I'm sure; all these flashy icons of luxury conjure up some idealized thoughts about my life.
However, what you don't see is the BACK STORY:
I started this company 28 years ago. At that time, I lived in a 300 square foot studio apartment for 3 years. My entire living apartment was converted into an office so I could put forth 100% effort into building a company, which by the way, would eventually employ you.
My diet consisted of Ramen Pride noodles because every dollar I spent went back into this company. I drove a rusty Toyota Corolla with a defective transmission. I didn't have time to date. Often times, I stayed home on weekends, while my friends went out drinking and partying. In fact, I was married to my business -- hard work, discipline, and sacrifice.
Meanwhile, my friends got jobs. They worked 40 hours a week and made a modest $50K a year and spent every dime they earned. They drove flashy cars and lived in expensive homes and wore fancy designer clothes. Instead of hitting the Nordstrom's for the latest hot fashion item, I was trolling through the discount store extracting any clothing item that didn't look like it was birthed in the 70's. My friends refinanced their mortgages and lived a life of luxury. I, however, did not. I put my time, my money, and my life into a business with a vision that eventually, some day, I too, will be able to afford these luxuries my friends supposedly had.
So, while you physically arrive at the office at 9 am, mentally check in at about noon, and then leave at 5 pm, I don't. There is no "off" button for me. When you leave the office, you are done and you have a weekend all to yourself. I unfortunately do not have the freedom. I eat, and breathe this company every minute of the day. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour. Every day this business is attached to my hip like a 1 year old special-needs child. You, of course, only see the fruits of that garden -- the nice house, the Mercedes, the vacations... you never realize the Back Story and the sacrifices I've made.
Now, the economy is falling apart and I, the guy that made all the right decisions and saved his money, have to bail-out all the people who didn't. The people that overspent their paychecks suddenly feel entitled to the same luxuries that I earned and sacrificed a decade of my life for.
Yes, business ownership has is benefits but the price I've paid is steep and not without wounds.
Unfortunately, the cost of running this business, and employing you, is starting to eclipse the threshold of marginal benefit and let me tell you why:
I am being taxed to death and the government thinks I don't pay enough. I have state taxes. Federal taxes. Property taxes. Sales and use taxes. Payroll taxes. Workers compensation taxes. Unemployment taxes. Taxes on taxes. I have to hire a tax man to manage all these taxes and then guess what? I have to pay taxes for employing him. Government mandates and regulations and all the accounting that goes with it, now occupy most of my time. On Oct 15th, I wrote a check to the US Treasury for $288,000 for quarterly taxes. You know what my "stimulus" check was? Zero.. Nada. Zilch.
The question I have is this: Who is stimulating the economy? Me, the guy who has provided 14 people good paying jobs and serves over 2,200,000 people per year with a flourishing business? Or, the single mother sitting at home pregnant with her fourth child waiting for her next welfare check? Obviously, government feels the latter is the economic stimulus of this country.
The fact is, if I deducted (Read: Stole) 50% of your paycheck you'd quit and you wouldn't work here. I mean, why should you? That's nuts. Who wants to get rewarded only 50% of their hard work? Well, I agree which is why your job is in jeopardy.
Here is what many of you don't understand ... to stimulate the economy you need to stimulate what runs the economy. Had suddenly government mandated to me that I didn't need to pay taxes, guess what? Instead of depositing that $288,000 into the Washington black-hole, I would have spent it, hired more employees, and generated substantial economic growth. My employees would have enjoyed the wealth of that tax cut in the form of promotions and better salaries. But you can forget it now.
When you have a comatose man on the verge of death, you don't defibrillate and shock his thumb thinking that will bring him back to life, do you? Or, do you defibrillate his heart? Business is at the heart of America and always has been. To restart it, you must stimulate it, not kill it. Suddenly, the power brokers in Washingtonbelieve the poor of America are the essential drivers of the American economic engine. Nothing could be further from the truth and this is the type of change you can keep.
So where am I going with all this?
It's quite simple.
If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, my reaction will be swift and simple. I'll fire you. I'll fire your co-workers. You can then plead with the government to pay for your mortgage, your SUV, and your child's future. Frankly, it isn't my problem any more.
Then, I will close this company down, move to another country, and retire. You see, I'm done. I'm done with a country that penalizes the productive and gives to the unproductive. My motivation to work and to provide jobs will be destroyed, and with it, will be my citizenship.
So, if you lose your job, it won't be at the hands of the economy; it will be at the hands of a political hurricane that swept through this country, steamrolled the constitution, and will have changed its landscape forever. If that happens, you can find me sitting on a beach, retired, and with no employees to worry about....
Signed, THE BOSS
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Detroit's bailout.
*Letter from Troy Clarke, President of General Motors (North America) -
followed by a response from Gregory Knox**, President** of Knox Machinery:
Dear Employees & suppliers,
Next week, Congress and the current Administration will determine
whether to provide immediate support to the domestic auto industry to
help it through one of the most difficult economic times in our nation's
history. Your elected officials must hear from all of us now on why this
support is critical to our continuing the progress we began prior to the
global financial crisis. As an employee or supplier, you have a lot at
stake and continue to be one of our most effective and passionate
voices. I know GM can count on you to have your voice heard.
Thank you for your urgent action and ongoing support.
Troy Clarke President General Motors North America
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Fro m Gregory Knox,
In response to your request to call legislators and ask for a bailout
for the United States automakers please consider the following, and
please also pass this onto Troy Clarke, the president of General Motors
North America for me.
You are both infected with the same entitlement mentality that has
bred like cancerous germs in UAW halls for the last countless decades,
and whose plague is now sweeping the nation, awaiting our new "messiah"
to wave his magical wand and make all our problems go away, while at the
same time allowing our once great nation to keep "living the dream"…
The dream is over! The dream that we can ignore the consumer for years while management myopically focuses on its personal rewards packages at the same time that our factories have been filled with the worlds most overpaid, arrogant, ignorant and laziest entitlement minded "laborers" without
paying the price for these atrocities…and that still the masses will line up to buy our products.
Don't tell me I'm wrong. Don't accuse me of not knowing of what I
speak. I have called on Ford, GM, Chrysler, TRW, Delphi, Kelsey Hayes,
American Axle and countless other automotive OEM's and Tier ones for 3
decades now throughout the Midwest and what I've seen over the years in
these union shops can only be described as disgusting.
Mr. Clarke states:
There is widespread sentiment in this country, our government and
especially in the media that the current crisis is completely the result
of bad management. It is not…You're right – it's not JUST management how about the electricians who walk around the plants like lords in feudal times, making people wait on them for countless hours while they drag ass…so they can come in on the weekend and make double and triple time…for a job they easily could have done within their normal 40 hour week.How about the line workers who threaten newbies with all kinds of scare tactics…for putting out too many parts on a shift…and for being too productive (mustn't expose the lazy bums who have been getting overpaid for decades for their horrific underproduction, must we?!?) Do you really not know about this stuff?!?
How about this great sentiment abridged from Mr. Clarke's sad plea: over the last few years …we have closed the quality and efficiency gaps with our competitors. What the hell has Detroit been doing for the last 40 years?!? Did we really JUST wake up to the gaps in quality and efficiency
between us and them?
The K car vs. the Accord?
The Pinto vs. the Civic?!?
Do I need to go on?
We are living through the inevitable outcome of the actions of the
United States auto industry for decades. Time to pay for your sins, Detroit. I attended an economic summit last week where a brilliant economist, Alan Beaulieu surprised the crowd when he said he would not have given the banks a penny of "bailout money". Yes, he said, this would cause short term problems, but despite what people like George Bush and Troy Clarke would have us believe, the sun would in fact rise the next day… and something else would happen…where there had been greedy and sloppy banks new efficient ones would pop up…that is how a free market system works…it does work…if we would let it work…But for some reason we are now deciding that the rest of the world is right and that capitalism doesn't work – that we need the government to step in and "save us"…save us, hell – we're nationalizing…and
unfortunately too many of this once fine nations citizens don't even have a clue that this is what's really happening…but they sure can tell you the stats on their favorite sports teams…yeah – THAT'S important…
Does it occur to ANYONE that the "competition" has been producing
vehicles, EXTREMELY PROFITABLY, for decades now in this country?...How can that be??? Let's see…Fuel efficient…Listening to customers…Investing in the proper tooling and automation for the long haul…Not being too complacent or arrogant to listen to Dr W Edwards Deming
4 decades ago.
Ever increased productivity through quality, lean and six sigma plans…treating vendors like strategic partners, rather than like "the enemy"…Efficient front and back offices…N on union environment…Again, I could go on and on, but I really wouldn't be telling anyone anything they really don't already know in their hearts.
I have six children, so I am not unfamiliar with the concept of wanting someone to bail you out of a mess that you have gotten yourself
into – my children do this on a weekly, if not daily basis, as I did at
their age. I do for them what my parents did for me (one of their
greatest gifts, by the way) – I make them stand on their own two feet
and accept the consequences of their actions and work them through. I don't want to oversimplify a complex situation, but there certainly are unmistakable parallels here between the proper role of parenting and government.
Detroit and the United States need to pay for their sins. Bad news people – it's coming whether we like it or not.
The newly elected Messiah really doesn't have a magic wand big
enough to "make it all go away" I laughed as I heard Obama "reeling it
back in" almost immediately after the vote count was tallied…"we might
not do it in a year…or in four…" where was that kind of talk when he was
RUNNING for the office?
Stop trying to put off the inevitable …
That house in Florida really isn't worth $750,000…
People who jump across a border really don't deserve free health
care benefits…
That job driving that forklift for the big 3 really isn't worth
$85,000 a year…
We really shouldn't allow Wal-Mart to stock their shelves with
products acquired from a country that unfairly manipulates their
currency and has the most atrocious human rights infractions on the face
of the globe…
That couple whose combined income is less than $50,000 really
shouldn't be living in that $485,000 home…
Let the market correct itself people – it will. Yes it will be
painful, but it's gonna be painful either way, and the bright side of my
proposal is that on the other side of it is a nation that appreciates
what is has…and doesn't live beyond its means…and gets back to
basics…and redevelops the work ethic that made it the greatest nation in
the history of the world…and probably turns back to God.
Sorry – don't cut my head off, I'm just the messenger sharing with
you the "bad news".
Gregory J. Knox
President
Knox Machinery, Inc.
Franklin, Ohio 45005
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Atheist Holiday
FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY!!
In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."
The judge leaned forward in h is chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day.
Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.
You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
This is too good not to forward.
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Future of terrorism
Predictions of Juval Aviv, Homeland security warnings
Juval Aviv was the Israeli Agent upon whom the movie ' Munich '
was based He was Golda Meir's bodyguard -- she appointed him to track
down and bring to justice the Palestinian terrorists who took
the Israeli athletes hostage and killed them during the Munich
Olympic Games.
In a lecture in New York City a few weeks ago, he shared
information that EVERY American needs to know -- but that our government
has not yet shared with us.
He predicted the London subway bombing on the Bill O'Reilly show
on Fox News stating publicly that it would happen within a week. At the
time, O'Reilly laughed and mocked him saying that in a week he wanted him
back on the show. But, unfortunately, within a week the terrorist attack
had occurred.
Juval Aviv gave intelligence (via what he had gathered in Israel
and the Middle East ) to the Bush Administration about 9/11 a month
before it occurred. His report specifically said they would use planes as
bombs and target high profile buildings and monuments. Congress has since
hired him as a security consultant.
Now for his future predictions. He predicts the next terrorist
attack on the U.S. will occur within the next few months.
Forget hijacking airplanes, because he says terrorists will NEVER
try and hijack a plane again as they know the people onboard will never
go down quietly again. Aviv believes our airport security is a joke --
that we have been reactionary rather than proactive in developing
strategies that are truly effective.
For example:
1) Our airport technology is outdated. We look for metal, and the
new explosives are made of plastic.
2) He talked about how some idiot tried to light his shoe on
fire. Because of that, now everyone has to take off their shoes. A group
of idiots tried to bring aboard liquid explosives. Now we can't bring
liquids on board. He says he's waiting for some suicidal maniac to pour
liquid explosive on his underwear; at which point, security will have us
all traveling naked! Every strategy we have is 'reactionary.'
3) We only focus on security when people are heading to the
gates.
Aviv says that if a terrorist attack targets airports in the
future, they will target busy times on the front end of the airport
when/where people are checking in. It would be easy for someone to take
two suitcases of explosives, walk up to a busy check-in line, ask a
person next to them to watch their bags for a minute while they run to
the restroom or get a drink, and then detonate the bags BEFORE security
even gets involved. In Israel , security checks bags BEFORE people can
even ENTER the airport.
Aviv says the next terrorist attack here in America is imminent
and will involve suicide bombers and non-suicide bombers in places where
large groups of people congregate. (i. e., Disneyland, Las Vegas
casinos, big cities (New York, San Francisco, Chicago, etc.) and that it
will also include shopping malls, subways in rush hour, train stations,
etc., as well as rural America this time (Wyoming, Montana, etc.).
The attack will be characterized by simultaneous detonations
around the country (terrorists like big impact), involving at least 5-8
cities, including rural areas.
Aviv says terrorists won't need to use suicide bombers in many of
the larger cities, because at places like the MGM Grand in Las Vegas ,
they can simply valet park a car loaded with explosives and walk away.
Aviv says all of the above is well known in intelligence
circles, but that our U. S. government does not want to 'alarm American
citizens' with the facts.
The world is quickly going to become 'a different place', and
issues like 'global warming' and political correctness will become
totally irrelevant.
On an encouraging note, he says that Americans don't have to be
concerned about being nuked. Aviv says the terrorists who want to
destroy America will not use sophisticated weapons. They like to use
suicide as a front-line approach. It's cheap, it's easy, it's effective;
and they have an infinite abundance of young militants more than willing
to 'meet their destiny'.
He also says the next level of terrorists, over which America
should be most concerned, will not be coming from abroad. But will be,
instead, 'homegrown' -- having attended and been educated in our own
schools and universities right here in the U. S. He says to look for
'students' who frequently travel back and forth to the Middle East .
These young terrorists will be most dangerous because they will know our
language and will fully understand the habits of Americans; but that we
Americans won't know/understand a thing about them.
Aviv says that, as a people, Americans are unaware and uneducated
about the terroristic threats we will, inevitably, face. America still
has only have a handful of Arabic and Farsi speaking people in our
intelligence networks, and Aviv says it is critical that we change that
fact SOON.
So, what can America do to protect itself?
From an intelligence perspective, Aviv says the U.S. needs to
stop relying on satellites and technology for intelligence. We need to,
instead, follow Israel 's, Ireland 's and England 's hands-on examples
of human intelligence, both from an infiltration perspective as well as
to trust 'aware' citizens to help. We need to engage and educate
ourselves as citizens; however, our U. S. government continues to treat
us, its citizens, 'like babies'. Our government thinks we 'can't handle
the truth' and are concerned that we'll panic if we understand the
realities of terrorism. Aviv says this is a deadly mistake.
Aviv recently created/executed a security test for our Congress,
by placing an empty briefcase in five well-traveled spots in five major
cities The results? Not one person called 911 or sought a policeman to
check it out. In fact, in Chicago , someone tried to steal the
briefcase!
In comparison, Aviv says that citizens of Israel are so well
'trained' that an unattended bag or package would be reported in seconds
by citizen(s) who know to publicly shout, 'Unattended Bag!' The area
would be quickly & calmly cleared by the citizens themselves. But,
unfortunately, America hasn't been yet 'hurt enough' by terrorism for
their government to fully understand the need to educate its citizens or
for the government to understand that it's their citizens who are,
inevitably, the best first-line of defense against terrorism.
Aviv also was concerned about the high number of children here in
America who were in preschool and kindergarten after 9/11, who were
'lost' without parents being able to pick them up, and about ours
schools that had no plan in place to best care for the students until
parents could get there. (In New York City , this was days, in some
cases!)
He stresses the importance of having a plan, that's agreed upon
within your family, to respond to in the event of a terroristic
emergency. He urges parents to contact their children's schools and
demand that the schools, too, develop plans of actions, as they do in
Israel ..
Does your family know what to do if you can't contact one another
by phone? Where would you gather in an emergency? He says we should all
have a plan that is easy enough for even our youngest children to
remember and follow.
Aviv says that the U. S. government has in force a plan that, in
the event of another terrorist attack, will immediately cut-off
EVERYONE's ability to use cell phones, blackberries, etc., as this is
the preferred communication source used by terrorists and is often the
way that their bombs are detonated.
How will you communicate with your loved ones in the event you
cannot speak? You need to have a plan.
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Top Four 2008 Adult Jokes
Fourth Place :
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled..
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
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Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
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Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill.. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
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Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
===============================================
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Luke AFB is west of Phoenix and is rapidly being surrounded by civilization that complains about the noise from the base and its planes, forgetting that it was there long before they were. A certain lieutenant colonel at Luke AFB deserves a big pat on the back. Apparently, an individual who lives somewhere near Luke AFB wrote the local paper complaining about a group of F-16s that disturbed his/her day at the mall.
When that individual read the response from a Luke AFB officer, it must Have stung quite a bit.
The complaint:
'Question of the day for Luke Air Force Base:
Whom do we thank for the morning air show? Last Wednesday, at precisely 9:11 A.M, a tight formation of four F-16 jets made a low pass over Arrowhead Mall, continuing west over Bell Road at approximately 500 feet. Imagine our good fortune! Do the Tom Cruise-wannabes feel we need this wake-up call, or were they trying to impress the cashiers at Mervyns early bird special?
Any response would be appreciated.
The response:
Regarding 'A wake-up call from Luke's jets' On June 15, at precisely 9:12 a.m., a perfectly timed four- ship flyby of F-16s from the 63rd Fighter Squadron at Luke Air Force Base flew over the grave of Capt. Jeremy Fresques. Capt Fresques was an Air Force officer who was previously stationed at Luke Air Force Base and was killed in Iraq on May 30, Memorial Day.
At 9 a. m. on June 15, his family and friends gathered at Sunland Memorial Park in Sun City to mourn the loss of a husband, son and friend. Based on the letter writer's recount of the fly by, and because of the jet noise, I'm sure you didn't hear the 21-gun salute, the playing of taps, or my words to the widow and parents of Capt. Fresques as I gave them their son's flag on behalf of the President of the United States and all those veterans and servicemen and women who understand the sacrifices they have endured..
A four-ship fly by is a display of respect the Air Force gives to those who give their lives in defense of freedom. We are professional aviators and take our jobs seriously, and on June 15 what the letter writer witnessed was four officers lining up to pay their ultimate respects.
The letter writer asks, 'Who m do we thank for the morning air show? The 56th Fighter Wing will make the call for you, and forward your thanks to the widow and parents of Capt Fresques, and thank them for you, for it was in their honor that my pilots flew the most honorable formation of their lives.
Only 2 defining forces have ever offered to die for you....Jesus Christ and the American Soldier.
One died for your soul, the other for your freedom.
Lt. Col. Grant L. Rosensteel, Jr.
USAF
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Subject: They walk among us!
'Millionaire' Contestant Makes Worst Use Of Lifelines Ever
NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'
It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'
After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was: 'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.
'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.'
Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.
'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.
'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.'
Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.
'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Duh, that can't be it.'
To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.'
'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.
Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life.
'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid -to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'
This one is actually better! (No comments needed!)
Caution... They Walk Among Us!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
***They walk amongst us!***
*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
***They walk among us!!***
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'
***They Walk Among Us!!***
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!***
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half kilogram sirloin. She informed me they only had an 500g sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 500g steak instead of the half-kilogram.
***They walk among us! ***
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the boot...
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!***
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!
Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce and vote!!!!
-
From Bill Cosby
'They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English.
I can't even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk.
And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living.
People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an Education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids.
$500 sneakers for what ? ?
And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics.
I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.
Where were you when he was 2 ? ?
Where were you when he was 12 ? ?
Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol ? ?
And where is the father ? ? Or who is his father ?
People putting their clothes on backward:
Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something ?
Or are you waiting for Jesus to pull his pants up ?
Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?
What part of Africa did this come from??
We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa
With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap .. . .. . .
and all of them are in jail.
Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now.
We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We, as black folks have to do a better job.
Someone working at Wal-Mart with seven kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard.
We cannot blame the white people any longer.'
Dr. William Henry 'Bill' Cosby, Jr., Ed.D.
-
Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio
Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Ohioans...
OHIOAN
If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Ohio ...
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Ohio ...
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Ohio...
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Ohio ...
If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Columbus for the Weekend, you may live in Ohio...
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Ohio ...
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Ohio ...
If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Ohio ...
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Ohio ...
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Ohio ...
If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Ohio ...
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Ohio ...
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph - you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Ohio ...
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Ohio ...
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Ohio ...
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Ohio ...
If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Ohio ...
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Ohio friends & others, you definitely live in Ohio !!
-
The old Cherokee Indian.
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes
on
inside people. He said, " My son, the battle is between two "wolves"
inside
us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance,
self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride,
superiority,
and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
The granson thought about it for a minute and then asked his
grandfather:
"Which wolf wins"?
The old Cherokee simply replied, " THE ONE YOU FEED "
-
Power of the badge.
Badge power
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with
an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to
inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The old
rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over
there', as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I
have the authority of the Federal Government with me.'
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge
and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this
badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever
I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers
given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'
The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about
his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud
screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, being
chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer,
and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence
and yells at the top of his lungs......"Show him your badge!”
-
10 highest poverty USA cities
Interesting..... Poverty in Our Cities.
City, State, % of People Below the Poverty Level
1 Detroit , MI 32.5%
2. Buffalo , NY 29.9%
3.. Cincinnati , OH 27.8%
4. Cleveland , OH 27.0%
5. Miami , FL 26.9%
5. St. Louis , MO 26.8%
7. El Paso , TX 26.4%
8. Milwaukee , WI 26..2%
9. Philadelphia , PA 25.1%
10. Newark , NJ 24.2%
U.S. Census Bureau
What do the top ten cities (over 250,000) with the highest poverty rate all
have in common?
Detroit, MI (1st on the poverty rate list) hasn't elected a Republican mayor
since 1961;
Buffalo, NY (2nd)hasn't elected one since 1954;
Cincinnati , OH (3rd)...since 1984;
Cleveland , OH (4th)...since 1989;
Miami , FL (5th) has never had a Republican mayor;
St. Louis , MO (6th)....since 1949;
El Paso , TX (7th) has never had a Republican mayor;
Milwaukee , WI (8th)...since 1908;
Philadelphia , PA (9th)...since 1952;
Newark , NJ (10th)...since 1907.
Einstein once said, 'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over
and over again and expecting different results.'
It is the poor who habitually elect Democrats---yet they are still
POOR
"You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift. You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the
wage payer down. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred. You
cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and
independence..
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and
should do for themselves."
Abraham Lincoln
...........................and Mr. Obama, you are no Abe Lincoln
-
Can't find a good job.
John Smith started the day early having set his
alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA )
was perking, he shaved with his
0A
electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG ..)
He put on a
dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA ),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE )
and
tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA )
After cooking his breakfast in his new
electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA )
he sat down with his
calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO )
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN )
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA )
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY ) 20
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia )
and continued his search
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end
of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day
checking his
Computer
(Made In Malaysia ),
John decided to relax for a while.
&nb sp;
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL )
poured himself a glass of
wine
(MADE IN FRANCE )
&nb sp;
and turned on his
TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA ),
and then wondered
why he can't find
a good paying job
in AMERICA
AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA
Y'all gotta Keep this one circulating, please!
-
A video about Government
Watch this video, to me it is dead on the money, forget your political views, watch it and see what is happening.
http://www.wimp.com/thegovernment/
-
VERY
INTERESTING STUFF
In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule
of thumb'
--------- --------- --------- ----
Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
into the English language.
--------- --------- --------- ----
The first couple to
be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.
--------- --------- --------- ----
Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.
(Please note: This was an email BEFORE the Obama administration took over)
-- ------------ --------- --------
Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.
--------- --------- --------- ----
Coca-Cola was
originally gr een
--------- --------- --------- ----
It is impossible to lick
your elbow.
--------- --------- --------- ----
The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
--------- --------- --------- ----
The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this....)
--------- --------- --------- ----
The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:
$ 16,400
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The average number
of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour:
61,000
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
-- ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.
--------- ------ --- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander,
the Great
Diamonds - Julius
Caesar
If a statue in the
park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all
Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?
A.
Obsession
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q.. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?
A. One
thousand
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?
A. All were invented
by women.
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?
A.
Honey
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Q. Which day are
there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?
A. Father's
Day
--------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
In Shakespeare' s
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase.'Goodnight , sleep tight'
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
--------- --------- --------- ------ --- --------- ---------
Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
Don't delete this
just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read
it.
I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your coffee
11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list
Last edited by David Buschur; 08-24-2009 at 04:03 PM.
-
Why to vote democrat
Vote Democrat because
Don't you just love the fact that you can now marry whatever you want? Maybe you can marry your horse.
Vote Democrat because
You believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.
Vote Democrat because
The government will do a better job of spending the money you earn than you would.
Vote Democrat because
Freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
Vote Democrat because
When we pull out of Iraq we can trust that the bad guys will stop what they are doing because they now think we are good people.
Vote Democrat because
You are way too irresponsible to own a gun, and you know that the local police are all we need to protect us from murderers, thieves and home intruders.
Vote Democrat because
You believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if we don't start driving a Prius.
Vote Democrat because
You're not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.
Vote Democrat because:
You think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits.
Vote Democrat because
You believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to government for redistribution as the democrats see fit.
Vote Democrat because
You believe liberal judges need to rewrite The Constitution every few days to suit some fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
Vote Democrat because
Your head is so firmly planted up your rear that it is unlikely that you'll ever see daylight again or have another point of view.
(God Bless America . Please, let's take back our country! This is all insane!!!)
-
Here is an example of why hiring illegal aliens is not economically productive for the United States .. Try to follow along.
You have two families: "Joe Legal" and "Jose Illegal". Both families have two parents, two children, and live in California ..
Joe Legal works in construction, has a Social Security Number and makes $25.00 per hour with taxes deducted.
Jose Illegal also works in construction, has NO Social Security Number, and gets paid $15.00 cash " under the table".
Ready? Now pay attention.
Joe Legal:
$25..00 per hour x 40 hours = $1000.00 per week, or $52,000.00 per year. Now take 30% away for state and federal tax; Joe Legal now has $31,231.00.
Jose Illegal:
$15.00 per hour x 40 hours = $600..00 per week, or $31,200.00 per year. Jose illegal pays no taxes. Jose Illegal now has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays medical and dental insurance with limited coverage for his family at $600.00 per month, or $7,200.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $24,031.00.
Jose Illegal has full medical and dental coverage through the state and local clinics at a cost of $0.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal makes too much money and is not eligible for food stamps or welfare. Joe Legal pays $500.00 per month for food, or $6,000.00 per year. Joe Legal now has $18,031.00.
Jose Illegal has no documented income and is eligible for food stamps and welfare. Jose Illegal still has $31,200.00.
Joe Legal pays rent of $1,200.00 per month, o r $14,400.00 per year.. Joe Legal now has $9,631.00.
Jose Illegal receives a $500.00 per month federal rent subsidy. Jose Illegal pays $500.00 per month, or $6,000.00 per year. Jose Illegal still has $25,200.00.
Joe Legal pays $200.00 per month, or $2,400.00 for insurance. Joe Legal now has $7,231.00.
Jose Illegal says, "We don't need no stinkin' insurance!" and still has $25,200.00.
Joe Legal has to make his $7,231.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, etc.
Jose Illegal has to make his $25,200.00 stretch to pay utilities, gasoline, and what he sends out of the country every month.
Joe Legal now works overtime on Saturdays or gets a part time job after work.
Jose Illegal has nights and weekends off to enjoy with his family.
Joe Legal's and Jose Illegal's children both attend the same school. Joe Legal pays for his children's lunches while Jose Illegal's children get a government sponsored lunch. Jose Illegal's children have an after school ESL program. Joe Legal's children go home.
Joe Legal and Jose Illegal both enjoy the same police and fire services, but Joe paid for them and Jose did not pay.
Do you get it, now?
If you vote for or support any politician that supports illegal aliens...
You are part of the problem!
It's way P A ST time to take a stand for America and Americans!
-
What did Hoover, Truman, and Eisenhower have in common?
Here is something that should be of great interest for you to pass around.
I didn't know of this until it was pointed out to me.
Back during The Great Depression, President Herbert Hoover ordered the
deportation of ALL illegal aliens in order to make jobs available to American
citizens that desperately needed work...
Harry Truman deported over two million Illegal's after WWII to create jobs
for returning veterans.
And then again in 1954, President Dwight Eisenhower deported 13 million
Mexican Nationals! The program was called 'Operation Wetback'.. It was
done so WWII and Korean Veterans would have a better chance at jobs.
It took 2 Years, but they deported them!
Now...if they could deport the illegal's back then - they could sure do it today?
lf you have doubts about the veracity of this information, enter Operation
Wetback into your favorite search engine and confirm it for yourself.
Reminder: Don't forget to pay your taxes...
12 million Illegal Aliens are depending on you
-
I hope our next President will give this same speech.
This should be our President's beliefs!
FROM:
Prime Minister Kevin Rudd - Australia
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.
Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques.
Quote: 'IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians'.
'This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom'. 'We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society . Learn the language!'
'Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture..'
'We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'
'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom,
'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'
'If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.'
Maybe if we circulate this , American citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voicing the same truths.
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